Tuesday 4th April 2023
Don't ask why - how to avoid shame, develop emotional literacy and get useful answers.
Cat Jolleys catjolleys.com
When a recent, peaceful
sit in the garden alone, for 5 minutes and pretend it's Spring in Manchester
was interrupted by the primal scream of my 11 year old, swiftly followed by the urgent hushed tones of DON'T TELL HER from his regretful and panicking 14 year old brother, my pre frontal cortex did not behave itself.
Decades of teaching, acres of training in Restorative Practice and parenting for a long 16 years went out the window and my informed response to the 14 year old was a screeched
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
Yep. I asked him that. Yep. You guessed it, he didn't know. Yep. You guessed it, it was the 11 year old's fault. Yep. You guessed it, I got no useful information. Yep. You guessed it, a harmonious repair and return to my garden relaxing, was a long way off.
for a great illustration of the flipping of the lid/switch: Upstairs Brain Downstairs Brain - SEL Sketches - YouTube
Why not why?
Despite being a default response from most of us, when faced with a problem, and was probably what we heard from our families whilst growing up, asking someone why they just did what they did, rarely elicits a useful response. Instead, it's likely to produce feelings of shame and often widens the gap in understanding, empathy and repairing the harm done. Why is a higher order question, meaning it demands we are emotionally regulated, so that our frontal lobe is switched on allowing us to access higher order thinking skills such as reasoning, analysis and problem solving.
Shame
Why questions often sound accusatory, even when we're genuinely curious and consciously using a gentle, compassionate and inquisitive tone, the subject of our question (adrenaline pumping following the recent incident and therefore reacting directly from their reptilian downstairs brain, without passing GO or collecting £200) will hear judgement and often go straight to a shame response. Children often hear the why question and think we're assuming guilt, rather than that we're asking from a place of problem-solving or curiosity. As Joe Brummer says in his 2021 book Building a Trauma - Informed Restorative School Book - Joe Brummer 'In the heat of the moment, a student may be in their downstairs brain with little access to language and executive function. WHY questions are a demand on a function that is currently offline.' In short, a shame response will follow one of four paths: withdrawal, attacking self, attacking others (the 14 year old 👆) or avoidance The-compass-os-shame.pdf (rip.org.uk) None of these responses helps the people affected nor develops empathy or gets us close to repairing the relationship.
I don't know
In countless experiences of asking children why they did something, or hearing well meaning colleagues do the same, the most common response I've heard is a mumbled I don't know. Usually, they don't. In the many many playtimes I've spent pounding the tarmac and using solely my eyebrows as a behaviour management tool, most harm I've witnessed (verbal or physical) wasn't premeditated, it just ... happened, either accidentally, or because children are still developing their self regulation and play at unstructured times in a busy playtime can be tricky for some children.
When you say nothing at all
Children with SEN, EAL, those who've experienced Trauma or have other barriers to communication can become easily frustrated or feel misunderstood and isolated, if they are asked why they did something, when they may not have the emotional vocabulary to describe their unknown motivation. Expecting most children, but particularly those who may have experienced adversity or have limited access to language, to process this question and give us an answer is unrealistic. Often children will attempt to justify or rationalise what they did, when really we aren't looking for that as it doesn't really serve anyone, if accountability and a repair of the harm done, is our goal. Or worse, the gallic shrug and I don't know, can put in another appearance, leaving staff and parents and carers exasperated and running low on empathy. Just like Ronan Keating.
What happened?
If the Delorean, from Back to the Future, were a parenting aid and Doc and Marty were willing to transport me back to the garden on that fateful day, I'd instead ask the 14 year old
What happened?
I wonder what happened
Can you tell me about what just happened?
These options would have probably avoided a defensive response or one which shuts down communication, as they are curious, open ended and lower order questions. These demand the child only recount their perspective of what happened, rather than leap to justifications, spin and blame. This facility is more accessible to their downstairs brain (considering their upstairs brain is probably still offline as they're still dysregulated from the incident) as we help them regulate and before we begin the process of reflecting then repairing. As Margot Sunderland writes in her book, Conversations that Matter, 2017 Conversations That Matter (traumainformedschools.co.uk) 'Why questions mean the child must make a shift away from what they are feeling, into the thinking part of their brain, rather than getting there naturally. Why questions mean they are interrupted in their feeling, having to follow your agenda of wanting them to analyse what they are feeling. They close down affect-led (feelings based) enquiry.'
In Restorative Practice, we aim to repair harm and develop emotional literacy and self regulation and connection and community, through developing empathy and accountability. Provoking a shame response is the antithesis of these aims. In order to repair the harm, maintain everyone's dignity and emotional regulation, solve the problem and let all parties involved feel heard and valued, we need to lose the why and try what happened? Using this question (or investing in a really good pair of ear defenders) would have made my speedy return to peaceful garden lounging, much more likely.
Cat Jolleys catjolleys.com
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